Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder… Or So They Say
/A key component to a sexual relationship is the physical element of intimacy, however, that is not always possible due to physical distance if partners live far from each other. Technological advancements over the past several decades perhaps made it easier for people to be in Long Distance Relationships (LDRs). It has been found that 58% of LDRs are successful, and most of the time, factors such as communication, jealousy, and trust determine the success rates of LDRs (Schmall, 2018). Do the downsides to LDRs outweigh the positives, though? Are LDRs really all that difficult? This blog will explore the many components of LDRs, as well as weigh the benefits and risk factors of LDRs, and will finish by providing you with some helpful advice if you plan on getting into a LDR yourself.
What Constitutes an LDR?
An LDR occurs when partners desire the continuation of a close relationship but are separated by “geographic distance” for significant periods of time (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012). In the modern world, LDRs are very common and can occur due to a number of factors that make living in close proximity difficult or impossible. One common reason is one’s employment, which may force couples to live apart if they cannot find jobs in the same city. This is often the case for military couples and professional athletes who must travel for work on a regular basis (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012). Another common cause for LDRs is attending school in a different location than one’s partner; it has been reported that around 75% of college students have reported having been in a LDR at one time or another (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012; Roberts & Pistole, 2009).
How Do Couples in LDRs Stay in Touch?
Couples in LDRs must communicate with one another through various means, such as electronically as this means is often the easiest and most accessible way to talk daily. It has been found that, on average, long-distance couples will send each other 343 texts weekly and spend 8 hours per week talking on the phone or through video chat, such as FaceTime, Skype or Google Duo (Schmall, 2018). However, seeing your partner through a screen does not always provide the same satisfaction as being with them in person. A survey examining long-distance couples’ thoughts regarding LDRs found that 66% of long-distance couples stated that a lack of physical intimacy was the hardest part of having to navigate being in an LDR (Schmall, 2018). About a third (31%) reported that sex was what they missed most (Schmall, 2018).
Some might think that sexual engagement is impossible in an LDR, and while that is true physically, it can still be done virtually. Technology has allowed for LDRs to have all the same qualities that the average relationship would have, as “dirty talk” can be done through the phone or by “sexting” one’s partner in order to turn them on or just have some fun. Long-distance couples can also choose to engage in masturbation or self-pleasure through video chat to engage sexually in real time (Peters, 2022). Despite these possibilities, there are still a number of restraints that can be placed on video chats, including contextual factors, such as the various time zones that individuals might be living in, technical factors, such as video quality or wifi difficulties, and personal factors, such as a lack of desire to engage in virtual sexual acts with their partner (Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2012).
Benefits of LDRs
Although there are many downsides to not being near one’s partner, there are also many positive outcomes that can come from the distance. To start, for some individuals, LDRs provide them with autonomy and independence (Sahlstein, 2004). LDRs are beneficial for couples in the sense that each individual could have a sense of freedom that they might not have otherwise had if their partner lived close to them (Sahlstein, 2004). Next, LDRs force couples to step away from the physical intimacy component of the relationship and instead focus on the emotional side of their connection. LDRs promote effective communication and trust-building between couples which helps the relationship run more smoothly as issues are more likely to be discussed rather than ignored (Cruz, 2022). Furthermore, LDRs allow individuals to build trust knowing that their partner is committed to them so much so that they are willing to be apart and still remain loyal to them by calling frequently and choosing to pursue the relationship from afar. Similar to the significant gains in emotional intimacy, LDRs allow for an increase in appreciation for the time spent together between couples (Cruz, 2022). For some, absence does make the heart grow fonder if you focus on the quality of the relationship versus the quantity of time spent together.
Downsides of LDRs
You might now be convinced that LDRs are entirely possible and even recommended in some cases due to the emotional bond that is created. However, Uncertainty Management Theory, which “outlines the processes through which individuals cope with health-related uncertainty,” states that individuals in college who are in LDRs may experience uncertainties about the future of their LDR and may invest a significant amount of time into communicating with their partner, which can result in them not leaving enough time for their academics or peer relationships (Waterman et al., 2017; Rains & Tukachinsky, 2015).
Despite the anticipation and excitement that arises when one is reunited with their partner, the time in between these visits can be difficult mentally and emotionally. Being in a LDR has been associated with feelings of loneliness, psychological distress, and relational uncertainty (Waterman et al., 2017; Somani, 2022). As is sometimes the case, unfortunately, couples in LDRs have no “end goal” or finish line in sight. This can exacerbate the issue of distance and make it feel like the separation might never end, increasing feelings of depression and a sense of unease for the future (Burns, 2021).
Each partner’s individual attachment style also influence how they will behave and feel in an LDR. For individuals who suffer from high attachment anxiety, which is characterized by the desire to maintain proximity by clinging due to “concern about the partner’s accessibility,” the prolonged separation common in LDRs can put a significant strain on both partners and can make those months apart feel even longer and more painful (Roberts & Pistole, 2009).
Satisfying Love Languages in LDRs
Ever heard of the five love languages? These include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. You might be wondering how it is possible for couples who score highest on the quality time category can be satisfied in an LDR if they cannot be around their partner as much as they might like. One way to have some special quality time with a long-distance partner is to schedule a date night and get dressed up as if you are actually going out for the night together! Ordering dinner and eating over FaceTime can have a similar effect as really being in a restaurant and enjoying a meal together. Another idea is to go for a walk together (but separately) and describe what you each see to each other so that you feel like you are there with one another (Burns, 2021). Thanks to Netflix Party, couples can now even watch movies synchronously and chat at the same time. Activities like these show the other person that you care for them and are both wanting to make the effort to invest time into the relationship.
COVID, Dating Apps, and LDRs
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit in March of 2020, everyone around the world was urged to limit their contact with others to prevent the spread of the disease. Due to these restrictions on social contact, many took to dating apps to meet others worldwide that they could connect with in order to feel less alone, and potentially meet a partner with whom they could get through the struggles of the pandemic with. One well-known dating app, OkCupid, saw an 83% increase in users setting their location preferences to “anywhere” during the pandemic (Burns, 2021). Another dating site, Match, found that 51% of their users were more open to a LDR when the pandemic hit than they had been in previous years (Burns, 2021). One LDR-experienced individual stated, “In normal times, I think the challenges of dating long-distance might have prevented us from deciding to try it. [...] Basically every other aspect of life is virtual right now anyway. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to only communicate over FaceTime” (Burns, 2021).
Some Helpful Advice to Promote Success in an LDR
If you have been on the fence about an LDR with that special someone, here are some tips that could help make life a bit easier if you do decide to give it a go. First, you and your partner should set clear expectations for one another and make a schedule for when you will set aside some time each week to talk (Burns, 2021). A key to making LDRs work is effective communication on both ends, meaning that each partner must make the other aware of any issues that might prevent them from responding at one point or another, such as due to time zone differences.
LDRs Can Work!
All in all, LDRs certainly do have their fair share of obstacles, however, there are many ways to overcome these obstacles and develop and maintain a strong relationship no matter the physical distance. Effective partner communication is key to LDRs and scheduling weekly times to call and go on virtual dates will make the time fly by much faster. Hang in there, that reunion will happen before you know it!
Samantha Kendall (She/Her), Queen's University, Psychology And French (BAH), Fourth Year.
References
Burns, Holly. (2021). Can a Long Distance Relationship Work in a Pandemic? The New York Times.
Neustaedter, C., & Greenberg, S. (2012). Intimacy in long-distance relationships over video chat. Proceedings of the SIGCHI conference on human factors in computing systems (pp. 753-762).
Peters, Adaobi. (2022). Phone Sex: Long-Distance Relationship in the Digital Age. True Envogue.
Rains, S. A., & Tukachinsky, R. (2015). Information seeking in uncertainty management theory: exposure to information about medical uncertainty and information-processing orientation as predictors of uncertainty management success. Journal of health communication, 20(11), 1275-1286.
Roberts, A., & Pistole, M. C. (2009). Long‐distance and proximal romantic relationship satisfaction: Attachment and closeness predictors. Journal of College Counseling, 12(1), 5-17.
Schmall, Tyler. (2018). Long-distance relationships are more successful than you think. New York Post.
Somani, Pranjul. (2022). Long Distance Relationship – Challenges, Effects & Tips to make it work – Complete Guide. Ichars Creating Change (Un)Consciously.
Waterman, E. A., Wesche, R., Leavitt, C. E., Jones, D. E., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2017). Long-distance dating relationships, relationship dissolution, and college adjustment. Emerging Adulthood, 5(4), 268-279.