Should women be selfish during sex?

During sex, women tend to focus more on their partner’s pleasure than on their own (Chivers et al., 2010). They are often worried about things like how they look, how well they perform and what their partner feels and thinks, rather than enjoying the intimacy and pleasurable sensations of the moment. As a result, women often do not attain sexual satisfaction and consistently experience lower levels of sexual satisfaction than males (Leveque and Pedersen, 2012).

A myriad of other factors are also at play, including societal beliefs and standards, a tendency to overly ruminate, and anxiety causing females to be "self-critical," "overly goal-oriented," or "sexually anxious" (Leavitt et al., 2019). The source of motivation for seeking sex also matters: Patrick et al. (2007) found that male college students have rather self-focused reasons whereas female freshmen have more partner-focused reasons" (Leveque and Pedersen, 2012). This appears to continue throughout their lives, as adult men are also found to promote self-focused reasons for sex and report more sexual satisfaction than females (Robinson et al., 2007).

Recent research has found that sexual mindfulness and self-focused sexual goals may contribute to increased female sexual satisfaction. Therefore, the question stands: should women be selfish during sex?

Two tendencies have been identified as the culprits of getting in the way of women being mindful of themselves and their sensations and desires, and thus enjoying sex as much as men: multi-tasking and rumination. We live in a time where the average human attention span is eight seconds, one second less than the "notoriously ill-focused goldfish" (McSpadden, 2015)! The problem with that is that we lose our ability to be mindful. Minds often drift away during sex, thinking about "what to cook for dinner?" or about more profound issues like: "I need to orgasm today" (Ogilivie, 2018). This multi-tasking, in which we are not fully completing one task, rather quickly switching between tasks, can interfere with attaining sexual satisfaction. In addition to multi-tasking, it is generally accepted that women tend to ruminate more than men (Shors et al., 2017). Ruminations are "thoughts that are rehearsed over and over again, often to the exclusion of more productive thoughts" (Shors et al., 2017). Not only are they distracting, but as Ogilivie (2018) pointed out, negative expectations or low sexual self-esteem (“does my partner think I’m good enough?”)  can negatively affect their sexual satisfaction (Ogilivie, 2018).

Taken together, it is clear that a lack of focus during sex can get in the way of enjoying sex and that an optimal level of selfishness during sex is required to attain sexual satisfaction (Leveque and Pedersen, 2012). But this is easier said than done. While most people look for a 'quick fix,' sexual mindfulness and using self-focused sexual goals are interventions that take skill and time to master.

Mindfulness, in its most basic form, is a meditation practice that encourages paying attention and doing so in a non-judgemental way (Ogilivie, 2018). Sexual mindfulness is a subtype of mindfulness in which the practice involves remaining mindful during sex, a context that is often charged high in anxiety (Leavitt et al., 2019). Sexual mindfulness plays an integral role in sexual wellbeing, relational well-being and self-esteem (Leavitt et al., 2019). In particular, it has been found to address some of the anxiety and self-critical thoughts that can interfere with positive sexual experiences and alleviate cognitive interference during sex (Leavitt et al., 2019). This allows the individual to be more aware of the present sensations and emotions and less on non-relevant external stimuli. Interestingly, a study found that mindful awareness during sex plays a more important role in women's ability to achieve sexual satisfaction than it plays in men's (Leavitt et al., 2019). Similarly, self-focus goals can help increase sexual satisfaction in women. These goals relate to the self rather than the partner or the relationship, such as having sex for one's own pleasure, or to feel better about oneself, etc. (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). They differ from interpersonal goals, which "are goals related to the partner," such as pursuing sex for intimacy or to avoid a partner's disappointment (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). A study by Corsini-Munt et al. (2020), focusing specifically on sexual self-focus goals in couples coping with Provoked Vestibulodynia (PVD), found that when women reported greater self-focused goals, they reported lower pain intensity during sexual intercourse. This is due to the self-focused goals allowing them to focus more on positive sexual stimuli, such as pleasurable sensations, "rather than the pain itself" (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). Moreover, the study found that by focusing on the personal benefits of sexual activity, women experienced enhanced sexual desire and arousal and less pain-related cognitions, like catastrophizing or ruminating. Interventions could look to extrapolate these findings to individuals not suffering from PVD but wanting to experience satisfying sex.

While numerous articles claim that being selfish in the sack is bad or unfair to the partner, recent studies have dispelled these myths. In fact, being attentive to one's own physical and emotional sensations can directly enhance one's sexual and romantic relationship (Leavitt et al., 2019). As such, self-focused goals are compatible with caring about a partner's sexual and psychological well-being (Corsini-Munt et al., 2020). Therefore, women should view focusing on one's own sexual experience as 'self-focused' rather than 'selfish.'

Promoting self-focused goals may be helpful in directing women's attention away from sex being "overly goal-oriented," experiencing it as "sexually anxious" situations, and being "self-critical" (Leavitt et al., 2019). Interventions that use sexual mindfulness and self-focused sexual goals could lead to personal and sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, as well as decreasing the discrepancy between male and female sexual satisfaction and function. Implementing those interventions to women at a young age could lead to a significant decrease in sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction at a later age. With increased societal influences, particularly the media as to 'what sex should be like' or 'how to act,' teaching young women to be 'self-focused' rather than focusing on their partner during sex could lead to a reduction of a plethora of concerns related to sexual functioning and health, including rumination and being self-critical, something many young females are extremely susceptible to. Moreover, self-focused based interventions could be helpful in addressing relational wellbeing (Leavitt et al., 2021). While sexual mindfulness may seem similar to sensate focus, an exercise often used in sex therapy, it differs in that sexual mindfulness does not require a partner's participation; rather putting the onerous of cognitions on yourself and the sensations occurring around you in that present moment. Hence, individuals could use sexual mindfulness and self-focus goals to practice breathing if feeling anxious, be aware of their physical sensations, and learn to let go of self-judgement without the cooperation of a partner (Leavitt et al., 2019). Finally, these interventions could be used to decrease the infamous 'Pleasure Gap' and 'Orgasm Gap' between women and men. The ‘orgasm gap’ is the result of women orgasming significantly “less frequently than men who have sex with women” (Gusakova & Matsick, 2016). As a result, a ‘pleasure gap’ emerges in which women overall feel less satisfaction with their sexual lives than men. While biologically, orgasms are more challenging to attain for most females and should not be viewed as the 'goal' of having sex, it is a pleasurable sensation that many women desire. Both sexual mindfulness and self-focused goals could be used to attain this outcome.

Overall, being 'self-focused' during sex is not being 'selfish' or bad and will not negatively affect your partner or your relationship. Rather, self-focused interventions can promote self-awareness for cognition, emotions and bodily sensations and help lead to a heightened sexually satisfying experience.

Sophia Mauritz, Queen’s University, BScH Psychology.

References

Chivers, M., Seto, M., Lalumière, M., Laan, E., & Grimbos, T. (2010). Agreement of Self-Reported and Genital Measures of Sexual Arousal in Men and Women: A Meta-Analysis. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 39(1), 5–56. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9556-9

Corsini-Munt, S., Bergeron, S., & Rosen, N. (2020). Self-Focused Reasons for Having Sex: Associations Between Sexual Goals and Women's Pain and Sexual and Psychological Wellbeing for Couples Coping With Provoked Vestibulodynia. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 17(5), 975–984. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsxm.2020.01.017

Leavitt, C., Lefkowitz, E., & Waterman, E. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680

Leavitt, C., Whiting, J., & Hawkins, A. (2021). The Sexual Mindfulness Project: An Initial Presentation of the Sexual and Relational Associations of Sexual Mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20(1), 32–49. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2020.1757547

Leveque, H., & Pedersen, C. (2012). Emerging adulthood: an age of sexual experimentation or sexual self-focus? The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 21(3-4), 147–159.

Gusakova, S., Conley, T. D., Piemonte, J. L., & Matsick, J. L. (2020). The role of women’s orgasm goal pursuit in women’s orgasm occurrence. Personality and Individual Differences, 155, 109628–. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109628

McSpadden, K. (2015, May 14). You Now Have a Shorter Attention Span Than a Goldfish. Time Magazine. Retrieved from https://time.com/3858309/attention-spans-goldfish/

Ogilivie, M. (2018). Can better sex be achieved with a bit of mindfulness? Toronto Star. Retrieved from https://www.thestar.com/life/2018/04/23/can-better-sex-be-achieved-with-a-bit-of-mindfulness.html

Robinson, M., Holmbeck, G., & Paikoff, R. (2007). Self-Esteem Enhancing Reasons for Having Sex and The Sexual Behaviors of African American Adolescents. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 36(4), 453–464. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-006-9116-8

Shors, T., Millon, E., Chang, H., Olson, R., & Alderman, B. (2017). Do sex differences in rumination explain sex differences in depression?: Sex Differences in Rumination and Depression. Journal of Neuroscience Research, 95(1-2), 711–718. https://doi.org/10.1002/jnr.23976