Does distance make the heart grow fonder?

If you’re a young adult, you probably know someone (or maybe you are someone!) in a long-distance relationship. With the abundance of communication technology available today - text, FaceTime, Skype, Snapchat, just to name a few - long-distance relationships (LDRs) are easier to initiate and maintain than ever before. If you’ve ever been in an LDR, chances are you’ve gotten a characteristic response from others: A sharp inhale and “Oh no, that must be so hard!” whenever you tell someone about your faraway love. Generally, people seem to think that LDRs are a huge struggle, requiring much more work than “regular” geographically close relationships (GCRs), but are they really that different?  

Sure, there are some differences between the two: for example, LDRs come with unique stressors like travel costs and increased time management demands. “Segmentation” is a common practice in LDRs. Segmentation occurs when time together is devoted strictly to the relationship and time apart is devoted to… basically everything else. It can either make the relationship easier to prioritize, or it can cause even more stress for individuals because they suddenly feel all the weight of their previously put-aside responsibilities when their partner leaves (Sahlstein, 2006). With regards to social network usage (i.e., Facebook), those in LDRs reported higher levels of relationship maintenance via Facebook usage, used Facebook more for partner surveillance (a.k.a. “stalking” your partner’s activity), and experienced higher levels of Facebook jealousy (a.k.a. feeling jealous when your partner adds someone of their interested gender) than those in GCRs (Billedo, Kerkhof, & Finkenauer, 2015). But do these differences really spell out despair for LDR couples?

Research suggests not! In a 2015 study at the Queen’s University’s Sexual Health Research Lab, investigators found that there were very few differences between LDRs and GCRs, and that individual factors (attitudes about LDRs, relationship certainty, etc.) and relationship factors (amount of face-to-face contact, distance apart, etc.) were what ultimately determined relationship quality (Dargie, Blair, Goldfinger, & Pukall, 2015). In addition, some LDR veterans report that they actually learned a lot from their LDR, namely efficient time management, and better relational communication skills and non-physical intimacy (Mietzner, 2005), so it’s possible that there may actually be benefits to LDRs. In fact, another study found that LDRs actually had more relational stability than GCRs (Stafford & Merolla, 2007)! So LDRs may not be doomed after all.  

Perhaps some of these positive results stem from the fact that we have more opportunities than ever before to be able to keep consistent communication with long-distance partners. Just a few decades ago, an LDR usually would have meant communication primarily via handwritten letters, flower and other deliveries, and a mountain of long-distance calling bills. Sounds like a lot of effort and cost went into LDRs not so long ago. These days, we have a plethora of communication options available to us (and most of them are free to use!), which makes maintaining the connection and spark a lot easier!  

Most of us are aware of common communication apps like FaceTime, Skype, and Snapchat, and these have been associated with increased intimacy between long-distance partners (Neustaedter & Greenberg, 2012), but some tools are specifically geared towards LDR couples. For example, Netflix Party is a Google Chrome extension that embeds itself into Netflix, allowing you to synchronize video playback with anyone you add to your “party”. So no matter where your partner is, as long as you’re both in the same “party”, your movie or TV show will play at exactly the same time. If you pause it, then it will also pause for your partner. Combine Netflix Party with a FaceTime or Skype call, and you’ve got yourself a “classic” movie night! If apps aren’t enough for you, there are a ton of various wearable or household products designed to help you feel close to your partner: long-distance touch bracelets, lamps, rings, and watches that light up or vibrate when your partner interacts with theirs, and even kissing and hand-holding simulators that mold to your partner’s movements (“17…Long Distance Gadgets”, 2020)!

In addition to general communication, sexual communication and intimacy are also important in any relationship. In an LDR, sexting with your partner is often the only available source of sexual satisfaction other than solo masturbation. For those who might not know, sexting is defined as the sending and/or receiving of sexually suggestive text messages, photos or videos, and it is becoming increasingly common (Madigan, Ly, Rash, Van Ouytsel, & Temple, 2018; Weisskirch & Delevi, 2011). Research shows that the majority of young adults in romantic relationships sext their partners, suggesting that sexting can be used in relationships as “an alternative way to connect sexually” (Delevi & Weisskirch, 2013, p. 2593). Luckily, sex toy developers have thought of LDR couples too! There are currently many long-distance sex toys available to aid in sexting, such as the Vibease and We-Vibe Sync, which are classic vibrators made for people with vulvas, and there are even remote-controlled butt plugs like the Hush. With these toys, typically one partner wears or inserts the vibrator, while the other can control the intensity and type of sensation with a smartphone app – no matter how far away they are! So, with all of these options for intimacy enhancement available, why is the prevailing opinion that LDRs are inherently worse off than GCRs?

 Unfortunately, psychological research is sorely lacking in studies on LDRs in general – in the last five years, almost no studies on LDRs have been published, and there is a particularly large gap in research on the prevalence and effects of sexting in LDRs. Sexting has generally been given a bad rap in research thus far, often only seen as a risk factor or harmful behaviour in youth populations (Dake, Price, Maziarz, & Ward, 2012; Klettke, Hallford, & Mellor, 2014), but one can think of many obvious benefits when it is used in the context of LDRs. Sexting can ideally provide much-needed closeness and intimacy between partners in LDRs, and clearly people enjoy doing it, as evidenced by the numerous long-distance sex toys available like the ones mentioned above. However, in researching for this blog post, I could not find a single peer-reviewed article that investigated the effects of sexting in LDRs. Furthermore, there is currently no research-supported, peer-reviewed measure of sexting behaviours, which is a glaring gap in the scientific literature on this topic. As a result of this dearth of research, there are limited ways to measure the possible positive effects of sexting in LDRs, and therefore few ways to change the misconceptions some have about the feasibility of LDRs in general.

Existing research suggests that LDRs have their own unique challenges, but these challenges do not make them any more likely to end than GCRs. However, more research needs to be conducted in order to discover the true dynamics of LDRs, and how sexting may improve these connections. Results could potentially inform the practice of couples’ therapy so that clinicians can effectively support individuals who may be struggling within their LDRs. With this research and all of the tools available to help enhance intimacy in LDRs, maybe we’ll discover that (physical) absence really can make the heart grow fonder!

Michaela Young

4th Year BAH Psychology, Queen’s University

References

Billedo, C. J., Kerkhof, P., & Finkenauer, C. (2015). The Use of Social Networking Sites for Relationship Maintenance in Long-Distance and Geographically Close Romantic Relationships. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0469

Dake, J. A., Price, J. H., Maziarz, L., & Ward, B. (2012). Prevalence and Correlates of Sexting Behavior in Adolescents. American Journal of Sexuality Education. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2012.650959

Dargie, E., Blair, K. L., Goldfinger, C., & Pukall, C. F. (2015). Go long! predictors of positive relationship outcomes in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2013.864367

Delevi, R., & Weisskirch, R. S. (2013). Personality factors as predictors of sexting. Computers in Human Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2013.06.003

Klettke, B., Hallford, D. J., & Mellor, D. J. (2014). Sexting prevalence and correlates: A systematic literature review. Clinical Psychology Review. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2013.10.007

Madigan, S., Ly, A., Rash, C. L., Van Ouytsel, J., & Temple, J. R. (2018). Prevalence of Multiple Forms of Sexting Behavior Among Youth. JAMA Pediatrics. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2017.5314

Mietzner, S. (2005). Would You Do It Again? Relationship Skills Gained in a Long-Distance Relationship. College Student Journal.

Neustaedter, C., & Greenberg, S. (2012). Intimacy in long-distance relationships over video chat. In Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems - Proceedings. https://doi.org/10.1145/2207676.2207785

Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty-certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication. https://doi.org/10.1080/10570310600710042

Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407507072578

Weisskirch, R. S., & Delevi, R. (2011). “Sexting” and adult romantic attachment. In Computers in Human Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2011.02.008

17 Weird to Wonderful Long Distance Gadgets (2020). Retrieved from https://lastingthedistance.com/.