Mind the Gap: Why Don’t Women Feel Entitled to Sexual Pleasure?

Let’s talk about orgasms. For most of us who are new to discussing this topic so openly, we may as well be small children, covering our ears and pretending not to hear our parents as they drone on about “the birds and the bees.” After all, in North America, talking about anything even remotely related to pleasure or sexual satisfaction outside of the bedroom is often considered socially taboo. This taboo is especially true when it comes to women and their bodies; it’s essential to keep this in mind before we go any further. Our social aversion to talking about sex, pleasure, and the sexual (and quite fun, might I add) functions of our bodies is the very root of the problem.

As a society, and without proper communication with one another, we’ve come to think of the female orgasm as “rare,”; almost as if a woman’s pleasure, usually in the context of intercourse, is some myth or urban legend. When we look at the current data on the frequency of orgasms during heterosexual partnered sex, we can see how this idea has made having an orgasm somewhat of a “gendered experience” (Andrejek & Fetner, 2018). Researchers have dubbed this phenomenon the “orgasm gap.” In simple terms, this means that men engaging in partnered sexual intercourse with women reach orgasm much more frequently than their partners. 

Indeed, recent research has found that men three times the number of orgasms than women during partnered sex (Andrejek & Fetner, 2018). In terms of percentage, roughly 91% of men report that they “usually” or “always” reach orgasm as a result of intercourse. Yet, only 39% of women say that they “usually” or “always” reach orgasm during or as a result of intercourse. This data represents that an “orgasm gap” of 52% exists (Andrejek & Fetner, 2018).

Inequality in orgasm frequency is at least partially due to our cultural indifference to a woman’s sexual pleasure. Hookups (casual sex) are very common among young adults, especially those on college campuses, yet, in cases of casual sex, the woman’s orgasm takes a backseat to the man’s (Armstrong, England, & Fogarty, 2012). Armstrong, England, and Fogarty (2012) also hypothesize that during casual sex, men are socially conditioned to be more “selfish” and focused on their achievement of orgasm, while women might withhold information about their sexual preferences and desires (especially with a new partner). Here, staying quiet about her preferences decreases her chance of having an orgasm or reporting sexual satisfaction. 

Research also demonstrates that heterosexual women generally report both a desire to prioritize men’s orgasms, and sometimes even feel obligated to provide sexual pleasure to their partner (Armstrong, England, & Fogarty, 2012). Oddly enough, we see that these same women generally do not expect men to reciprocate the same prioritization. This standard is massively concerning; why should women be left out of having a pleasurable sexual experience during casual sex when an orgasm is an expected event for their partners?

Another factor relevant to the orgasm gap is the variety of sexual activity that heterosexual partners are engaging in. Zunino and Mac Cionnaith (2019) report that the more knowledge about the vulva (namely, about the clitoris) that the partner has, the higher the likelihood is for the woman to reach orgasm frequently. Additionally, oral sex has been found to contribute most consistently to the experience of orgasm for women, and increased clitoral stimulation is often touted as the “cure” for the orgasm gap. This information points to two really simple ways of “bridging the gap.” But why is this not being done?

A controversial contributor to the discussion of the orgasm gap is the role of sex education and pornography. In terms of sex ed, most school curriculums discount the topics of pleasure, sexual communication, and the value of partnered intimacy. However, knowledge of these concepts is key to understanding personal pleasure and orgasm, as well as how to satisfy one’s partner during sexual activity (Zunino & Mac Cionnaith, 2019). By omitting these topics from the sex ed curriculum, sex ed programs fail students by providing them with an incomplete sexual education. It merely is not sufficient to educate students, especially those reaching sexual maturity, that sex is exclusively for procreation (news flash: sex is also for pleasure). By providing better accessibility and openness for reproductive and sexual education and conversation, students can be empowered to take control of and feel entitled to their sexual pleasure, as well as to recognize and incorporate their partner’s pleasure into the scenario.

In addition, as Internet pornography becomes increasingly accessible to younger generations, we must account for its new role in modern sex ed. Halton (2019) found that the average age of exposure to porn (with depictions of sexual acts or naked bodies) is fourteen years old, right around the time of sexual maturation, and for many, this can be the first sexual activity event. Halton (2019) states that “rather than denying that teens are accessing and learning from porn, we need to provide young people with a comprehensive understanding of the artificial way in which porn is created.” 

Though porn can be positive and enriching for one’s sex life and sexual competence, we have to understand that porn is entertainment, not reality – see the Keep it Real Online campaign launched by the New Zealand Government. Since most Internet porn depicts a lack or absence of foreplay (it’s not realistic to be confronted with scenarios involving instant lubrication and rock hard erections!) and usually only obvious orgasm for the men in these videos, young people exposed to this content may view sexuality and sexual intercourse in very different ways (Halton, 2019). Girls may come to understand themselves as the “giver” of pleasure, not the “receiver,” and boys may feed off this notion as well. By breaking the sexual scripts demonstrated in most porn videos and educating people on the importance of sexual communication for comfortable and enjoyable intercourse, we are that much closer to bridging the gap. 

All in all, being able to bridge the orgasm gap and alter existing sexual scripts entirely will be no easy or short-lived task, but it is not impossible by any means. We may achieve this by encouraging a new discourse of sexual openness and flexibility, providing future generations with the tools to be responsive and respectful sexual partners, and teaching people to value their partner’s pleasure as much they do their own.

 In this way, we can create a society of people who care for themselves and others, sexually or otherwise. Since sexuality has been, and always will be an exponentially vital component of the human experience and the nature of social interaction, absolutely everyone should feel entitled to the experience of pleasurable and gratifying sexual activity. Yes, that means you, too.

Natali Shachar, BAH Psychology Student (4th year)

References

Andrejek, N., & Fetner, T. (2019). The Gender Gap in Orgasms: Survey Data from a Mid-Sized Canadian City. International Journal of Sexual Health, 31(1), 26–35.

Armstrong, E. A., England, P., & Fogarty, A. C. K. (2012). Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships. American Sociological Review, 77(3), 435–462.

Halton, M. (2019, June 7). We Need to Talk About the Orgasm Gap – And How to Fix It. Retrieved from https://ideas.ted.com/we-need-to-talk-about-the-orgasm-gap-and-how-to-fix-it/.

Zunino, G. R. Q., & Mac Cionnaith, C. E. (2019, October 6). The Orgasm Gap and What Sex-Ed Did Not Teach You. Retrieved from https://theconversation.com/the-orgasm-gap-and-what-sex-ed-did-not-teach-you-92237.