Three’s (Not) A Crowd!
/At some point in all our lives, we have heard the phrase “third-wheel”. Maybe you have used it in the past to signal to a third person they were unwanted between yourself and a sexual partner, or possibly you were that third person being signalled. Either way, the feelings of being left out and jealous of others is pleasant for no one (Scoats & Anderson, 2018). Despite the negative connotations associated with crowds of three, a large magnitude of young adults in Western society has either participated, or expressed interest in participating, in a threesome (Thompson & Byers, 2021). What may come as a surprise is that threesomes may be more beneficial for couples and single individuals’ sexual expression and satisfaction than you may think.
Threesome crash course
So, what is a threesome? A threesome is consensual nonmonogamy in its plainest form (Thompson & Byers, 2021). It usually describes a consensual sexual act involving 3 individuals at the same time (Thompson, Cipriano, Kirkeby, Wilder & Lehmiller, 2021). These behaviours can range anywhere from 3-way kissing to 3-way penetration depending on the genitals of participants and/or sex toys involved (Lanquist, 2020)! These types of sexual interactions are no new feat, as passages written on double penetration have been found in the Kamasutra, a book written about sexuality more than 2000 years ago (King, 2016)! Even though threesomes have existed for centuries, the attitudes people hold towards them are greatly shaped by one’s culture. Western society’s sexual script heavily favours monogamy, especially that occurring between committed men and women (Thompson & Byers, 2021). This norm is depicted throughout our own society, whether that be in movies, magazines, or in the views held by those close to us. Due to this, any type of relationship that deviates from this norm, including threesomes, is deemed as less than monogamous relationships, and this is especially true for mixed gender threesomes—more on this later (Thompson & Byers, 2021).
Although stigma exists, it has not stopped 18% of men and 10% of women in one study who had already participated in one (Thompson et al., 2021). Unfortunately, these individuals are the exception not the rule, as 93% of men and 84% of women from the same sample reported fantasizing about experiencing one but had yet to actually participate in a threesome (Thompson & Byers, 2021). There are many barriers preventing people from acting upon this desire. Living in a culture where monogamy is the norm makes it difficult to know how to approach group sexual encounters, since this sexual script may not be developed (Thompson et al., 2021). In addition, others may be avoidant due a backlash effect, which outlines avoiding desired behaviours that do not align with society’s norms to prevent being judged negatively by others (Thompson et al., 2021).
How do people really feel about threesomes?
Several studies have found that generally, people’s attitudes towards threesomes range from neutral to positive along with expressing significant interest in participating in one (Thompson et al., 2021). Where people’s attitudes tend to deviate is dependent on gender. In a study conducted by Thompson and Byers (2021), gender differences in threesomes were explored. It was found men who initiated threesomes were perceived to be better partners, smarter, and more moral in comparison to women who initiated. Further, uncommitted women who initiated threesomes or other casual sexual encounters were perceived to have a more extensive sexual history than committed women who initiated. These findings are not surprising as women tend to be scrutinized more regarding sexual behaviour than are men, a phenomenon known as the sexual double standard (Harvey, Harvey & Thompson, 2020). Due to this sexual double standard, women may be more discouraged to participate in a threesome, as to avoid judgment from others. The possibility of judgement should not influence behaviour too strongly, as research has demonstrated that as we age, we tend to be more open towards threesomes due to having evolved to combat societal stigma (Thompson et al., 2021). Basically, life is too short to care about what other people think.
Ok, what’s so good about threesomes anyways?
Research has demonstrated that threesomes generally do not negatively impact monogamy the same ways that other types of consensual nonmonogamy do. In fact, they can actually work to improve pre-existing monogamous relationships while also benefiting uncommitted individuals as well (Scoats & Anderson, 2018). Scoats and Anderson (2018) found that for monogamous couples participating in a threesome together, as long as the threesome was temporary, it provided a healthy boost to each partner’s sex lives. These group encounters also create a safe space for exploring with sexual partners outside of the relationship while also reaffirming the monogamous connection if the monogamous couple is valued as the core couple in the interaction (Scoats & Anderson, 2018). Single individuals may also benefit from participating in a threesome since they are exposed to exploring nonmonogamous behaviours as well as same-sex behaviours in the absence of the stigma associated with fully adopting these identities (Thompson et al., 2021). One study determined that a “one time rule of homosexuality” is generally not favoured in western culture anymore, indicating that if you participate in one same-sex behaviour, you will not automatically be labeled as same-sex oriented (Scoats, Joseph & Anderson, 2017). This allows for more sexual exploration without pressures or stigma from society, which is a strong argument supporting threesomes if you ask me!
Is this too good to be true?
Of course, nothing great goes without risk, and threesomes are no different. Research suggests that the biggest risk of participating in a threesome is the potential of feeling jealous and excluded (Scoats & Anderson, 2017). These feelings were mostly associated with participating in a threesome with a romantic partner, but jealousy and exclusion can still arise in other types of encounters. Although possible, there are many strategies that work to prevent or rectify these unpleasant feelings. Couples participating in threesomes that had open dialogues about expectations and feelings reported being influenced less by exclusion (Scoats & Anderson, 2017). By using open communication and setting rules within a threesome, the unpleasant feelings can be lessened or avoided altogether. In contrast, it was found that open communication was less important in a threesome without a pre-existing couple, as this relates to attitudes directed towards casual sex. Additionally, women who participate in threesomes may be placed at a higher risk for negative social repercussions than men due to the sexual double standard. Aside from being perceived as more promiscuous, women are at risk of potential objectification in threesomes (Scoats, 2018). Even in threesomes containing 2 men and 1 woman, the possibility that the encounter is to mainly please the male’s sexual desires should not be ruled out (Scoats, 2018).
So, is a threesome for you?
Understanding what a threesome is and its potential benefits and risks is an informative way to embrace various sexual dynamics. Those that differ from the dominant trend of monogamy should not be stigmatized by society, since due to the high prevalence of interest in threesomes, most people would be considered idiosyncratic by society’s standard. Unfortunately, much is unknown about the outcomes associated with threesomes as the literature is limited on this topic. More research examining long term attitudes and effects of threesomes may help reduce the stigma that surrounds them. What the existing research does suggest is that threesomes are generally a safe way to express one’s sexuality with limited risks involved. With that, being the “third wheel” may not always be such a bad thing!
Rebecca Star, 3rd year Psychology, Queen's University
References
Harvey, C.A., Harvey, T.A. & Thompson, A.E. (2020). The “Sextual” Double Standard: An Experimental Examination of Variations in Judgments of Men and Women Who Engage in Computer-Mediated Sexual Communication. Sexuality & Culture 24, 712–732, https://doi-org.proxy.queensu.ca/10.1007/s12119-019-09658-8
King, E. (2016, April 1). A Definitive History of Threesomes Throughout the Ages. Complex. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from https://www.complex.com/life/2016/04/threesomes-history/.
Lanquist, L. (2020, December 2). Threesome Sex Positions That Make Ménages-à-Trois All the More Approachable. Style Caster. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from https://stylecaster.com/threesome-sex-positions/.
Scoats, R., Joseph, L. J., & Anderson, E. (2017, February 8). ‘I don’t mind watching him cum’: Heterosexual men, threesomes, and the erosion of the one-time rule of homosexuality. Sage Journals. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from https://journals-sagepub-com.proxy.queensu.ca/doi/10.1177/1363460716678562.
Scoats, R. & Anderson, E. (2019) ‘My partner was just all over her’: jealousy, communication and rules in mixed-sex threesomes, Culture, Health & Sexuality, 21:2, 134-146, DOI: 10.1080/13691058.2018.1453088
Scoats, R. (2019) ‘If there is no homo, there is no trio’: women’s experiences and expectations of MMF threesomes, Psychology & Sexuality, 10:1, 45-55, DOI: 10.1080/19419899.2018.1546766
Thompson, A.E., Byers, E.S. (2021). An Experimental Investigation of Variations in Judgments of Hypothetical Males and Females Initiating Mixed-Gender Threesomes: An Application of Sexual Script Theory. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1129–1142, https://doi- org.proxy.queensu.ca/10.1007/s10508-020-01729-4
Thompson, A.E., Cipriano, A.E., Kirkeby, K.M., Wilder, D., Lehmiller, J.J. (2021). Exploring Variations in North American Adults’ Attitudes, Interest, Experience, and Outcomes Related to Mixed-Gender Threesomes: A Replication and Extension. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1433–1448 https://doi-org.proxy.queensu.ca/10.1007/s10508-020-01829-1