Does distance make the heart grow fonder?

If you’re a young adult, you probably know someone (or maybe you are someone!) in a long-distance relationship. With the abundance of communication technology available today - text, FaceTime, Skype, Snapchat, just to name a few - long-distance relationships (LDRs) are easier to initiate and maintain than ever before. If you’ve ever been in an LDR, chances are you’ve gotten a characteristic response from others: A sharp inhale and “Oh no, that must be so hard!” whenever you tell someone about your faraway love. Generally, people seem to think that LDRs are a huge struggle, requiring much more work than “regular” geographically close relationships (GCRs), but are they really that different?  

Sure, there are some differences between the two: for example, LDRs come with unique stressors like travel costs and increased time management demands. “Segmentation” is a common practice in LDRs. Segmentation occurs when time together is devoted strictly to the relationship and time apart is devoted to… basically everything else. It can either make the relationship easier to prioritize, or it can cause even more stress for individuals because they suddenly feel all the weight of their previously put-aside responsibilities when their partner leaves (Sahlstein, 2006). With regards to social network usage (i.e., Facebook), those in LDRs reported higher levels of relationship maintenance via Facebook usage, used Facebook more for partner surveillance (a.k.a. “stalking” your partner’s activity), and experienced higher levels of Facebook jealousy (a.k.a. feeling jealous when your partner adds someone of their interested gender) than those in GCRs (Billedo, Kerkhof, & Finkenauer, 2015). But do these differences really spell out despair for LDR couples?

Research suggests not! In a 2015 study at the Queen’s University’s Sexual Health Research Lab, investigators found that there were very few differences between LDRs and GCRs, and that individual factors (attitudes about LDRs, relationship certainty, etc.) and relationship factors (amount of face-to-face contact, distance apart, etc.) were what ultimately determined relationship quality (Dargie, Blair, Goldfinger, & Pukall, 2015). In addition, some LDR veterans report that they actually learned a lot from their LDR, namely efficient time management, and better relational communication skills and non-physical intimacy (Mietzner, 2005), so it’s possible that there may actually be benefits to LDRs. In fact, another study found that LDRs actually had more relational stability than GCRs (Stafford & Merolla, 2007)! So LDRs may not be doomed after all.  

Perhaps some of these positive results stem from the fact that we have more opportunities than ever before to be able to keep consistent communication with long-distance partners. Just a few decades ago, an LDR usually would have meant communication primarily via handwritten letters, flower and other deliveries, and a mountain of long-distance calling bills. Sounds like a lot of effort and cost went into LDRs not so long ago. These days, we have a plethora of communication options available to us (and most of them are free to use!), which makes maintaining the connection and spark a lot easier!  

Most of us are aware of common communication apps like FaceTime, Skype, and Snapchat, and these have been associated with increased intimacy between long-distance partners (Neustaedter & Greenberg, 2012), but some tools are specifically geared towards LDR couples. For example, Netflix Party is a Google Chrome extension that embeds itself into Netflix, allowing you to synchronize video playback with anyone you add to your “party”. So no matter where your partner is, as long as you’re both in the same “party”, your movie or TV show will play at exactly the same time. If you pause it, then it will also pause for your partner. Combine Netflix Party with a FaceTime or Skype call, and you’ve got yourself a “classic” movie night! If apps aren’t enough for you, there are a ton of various wearable or household products designed to help you feel close to your partner: long-distance touch bracelets, lamps, rings, and watches that light up or vibrate when your partner interacts with theirs, and even kissing and hand-holding simulators that mold to your partner’s movements (“17…Long Distance Gadgets”, 2020)!

In addition to general communication, sexual communication and intimacy are also important in any relationship. In an LDR, sexting with your partner is often the only available source of sexual satisfaction other than solo masturbation. For those who might not know, sexting is defined as the sending and/or receiving of sexually suggestive text messages, photos or videos, and it is becoming increasingly common (Madigan, Ly, Rash, Van Ouytsel, & Temple, 2018; Weisskirch & Delevi, 2011). Research shows that the majority of young adults in romantic relationships sext their partners, suggesting that sexting can be used in relationships as “an alternative way to connect sexually” (Delevi & Weisskirch, 2013, p. 2593). Luckily, sex toy developers have thought of LDR couples too! There are currently many long-distance sex toys available to aid in sexting, such as the Vibease and We-Vibe Sync, which are classic vibrators made for people with vulvas, and there are even remote-controlled butt plugs like the Hush. With these toys, typically one partner wears or inserts the vibrator, while the other can control the intensity and type of sensation with a smartphone app – no matter how far away they are! So, with all of these options for intimacy enhancement available, why is the prevailing opinion that LDRs are inherently worse off than GCRs?

 Unfortunately, psychological research is sorely lacking in studies on LDRs in general – in the last five years, almost no studies on LDRs have been published, and there is a particularly large gap in research on the prevalence and effects of sexting in LDRs. Sexting has generally been given a bad rap in research thus far, often only seen as a risk factor or harmful behaviour in youth populations (Dake, Price, Maziarz, & Ward, 2012; Klettke, Hallford, & Mellor, 2014), but one can think of many obvious benefits when it is used in the context of LDRs. Sexting can ideally provide much-needed closeness and intimacy between partners in LDRs, and clearly people enjoy doing it, as evidenced by the numerous long-distance sex toys available like the ones mentioned above. However, in researching for this blog post, I could not find a single peer-reviewed article that investigated the effects of sexting in LDRs. Furthermore, there is currently no research-supported, peer-reviewed measure of sexting behaviours, which is a glaring gap in the scientific literature on this topic. As a result of this dearth of research, there are limited ways to measure the possible positive effects of sexting in LDRs, and therefore few ways to change the misconceptions some have about the feasibility of LDRs in general.

Existing research suggests that LDRs have their own unique challenges, but these challenges do not make them any more likely to end than GCRs. However, more research needs to be conducted in order to discover the true dynamics of LDRs, and how sexting may improve these connections. Results could potentially inform the practice of couples’ therapy so that clinicians can effectively support individuals who may be struggling within their LDRs. With this research and all of the tools available to help enhance intimacy in LDRs, maybe we’ll discover that (physical) absence really can make the heart grow fonder!

Michaela Young

4th Year BAH Psychology, Queen’s University

References

Billedo, C. J., Kerkhof, P., & Finkenauer, C. (2015). The Use of Social Networking Sites for Relationship Maintenance in Long-Distance and Geographically Close Romantic Relationships. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2014.0469

Dake, J. A., Price, J. H., Maziarz, L., & Ward, B. (2012). Prevalence and Correlates of Sexting Behavior in Adolescents. American Journal of Sexuality Education. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2012.650959

Dargie, E., Blair, K. L., Goldfinger, C., & Pukall, C. F. (2015). Go long! predictors of positive relationship outcomes in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2013.864367

Delevi, R., & Weisskirch, R. S. (2013). Personality factors as predictors of sexting. Computers in Human Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2013.06.003

Klettke, B., Hallford, D. J., & Mellor, D. J. (2014). Sexting prevalence and correlates: A systematic literature review. Clinical Psychology Review. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2013.10.007

Madigan, S., Ly, A., Rash, C. L., Van Ouytsel, J., & Temple, J. R. (2018). Prevalence of Multiple Forms of Sexting Behavior Among Youth. JAMA Pediatrics. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2017.5314

Mietzner, S. (2005). Would You Do It Again? Relationship Skills Gained in a Long-Distance Relationship. College Student Journal.

Neustaedter, C., & Greenberg, S. (2012). Intimacy in long-distance relationships over video chat. In Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems - Proceedings. https://doi.org/10.1145/2207676.2207785

Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty-certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication. https://doi.org/10.1080/10570310600710042

Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407507072578

Weisskirch, R. S., & Delevi, R. (2011). “Sexting” and adult romantic attachment. In Computers in Human Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2011.02.008

17 Weird to Wonderful Long Distance Gadgets (2020). Retrieved from https://lastingthedistance.com/.

Does watching porn affect how we have sex?

Whether or not we realize it, sex is everywhere. From sexy women on magazine covers to hot men in TV ads to online pornographic videos, we are exposed to sexually explicit images nearly every day. After all, as advertisers have realized for decades, sex sells—it grabs our attention. Pornography is also an attention-getter, and it has come a long way in a short time.

Pornography as we know it today hasn’t been around for very long. When most people think of porn, they think of adult erotic videos. These only began being sold in the late 1970s, and people had to get them at an adult video store, in person—imagine how embarrassing that could have been! Since then, the Internet was created and has saved many people the risk of embarrassment of having another person see you enter or leave that store. Sex, masturbation, and porn use are still taboo subjects in Western society, but the Internet allows people to have accessible, affordable (often free), and anonymously-obtained porn right at their fingertips. With this ease of access, porn is now viewed more than ever before. It’s no secret that most people will watch porn at some point in their lives. In a 2017 U.S. study, 73% of women and 98% of men reported viewing Internet porn in the last 6 months (Daspe et al., 2018). Clearly, watching porn is common, at least in North America, but how does watching others have sex affect our own sex lives? Or does it affect us at all?

Researchers have been trying to answer this question for years. Back in 1968, the Commission on Obscenity and Pornography decided that pornography was not harmful to society, and therefore few restrictions should be placed on it (Gorman, 2014). Psychologists were skeptical of this ruling and began researching the effects of porn on its viewers. Though they found no evidence of harm at the time, psychologists were adamant to continue research in the area, and they began looking at the impacts of porn exposure over time. Studies focusing specifically on aggressive pornography had varied results, with some research reporting little impact on the viewers, whereas others reported negative impacts on the attitudes and behaviours of viewers (Gorman, 2014). As time has passed, researchers have continued to hypothesize about and research the effects of porn use on viewers, with a particular interest on how it impacts adolescents and young adults.

As a result of the easy access to online porn, adolescents in the U.S. begin viewing porn at a median age of 14, which means that the current generation of youth is exposed to a high volume of diverse and explicit porn before they even have the chance to test and develop their own sexuality and sexual interests (Lim, Carotte, & Hellard, 2015). Flood (2009) believed that viewing pornography could be especially harmful for young children and adolescents because of how sexually explicit it was compared to other sexual media. In addition, the content in pornographic videos is often more sexist and hostile towards women than other sexual media. Studies have shown that young people do incorporate ideas that they have seen in porn into their own real-life sex experiences (Lim et al., 2015). This typically just serves as a form sexual exploration, giving viewers new ideas for things to try in a sexual context (Gorman, 2014). However, it can result in unhealthy behaviours if the porn videos are the person’s primary source of sexual education and the individual does not recognize that porn is just a fantasy. Increased porn viewing has been associated with younger sexual debut, a higher number of sexual partners, and a higher number of casual sex partners (Lim et al., 2015). Morgan (2011) found that there is a correlation between what is depicted in porn and what preferences porn viewers have for sexual situations and sexual partners. For example, 15-42% of scenes in heterosexual porn depict anal sex (Lim et al., 2015). Potentially as a result of this, anal sex is becoming a more popular act for heterosexual couples, despite many women reporting to dislike anal sex. Only 2-3% of heterosexual online porn includes condom use. Knowing how acts in porn can influence real-life sex acts, this is of concern to some researchers, as it may reduce the likelihood that individuals use condoms in real-life sexual encounters. This is especially possible due to the fact that what is seen in porn contributes to the development of an individual’s and society’s sexual script (i.e., ideas of how typical romantic and sexual situations unfold). If someone is not taught proper condom use and how it fits into a healthy sexual interaction, it is less likely to become a part of their sexual script. Therefore, adolescents who watch porn online may be less likely to use condoms.

Interestingly, when women in a relationship view porn, it is associated with increased sexual satisfaction for both partners, whereas when men in a relationship view porn, the exact opposite is found (Lim et al., 2015). This may be because of the common complaint that young heterosexual women have of feeling pressured or expected to do things that their male partners have seen in porn (Lim et al., 2015). However, multiple studies have found that adults believe porn has more positive than negative effects including improved sex life, increasing open-mindedness about sex, and being more attentive to their partner’s pleasure (Lim et al., 2015). Online porn also allows LGBTQ+ individuals to explore and learn about their sexuality in more depth than may be possible from mainstream culture.

With regards to adult porn-viewers, there is some concern surrounding the development of virtual reality (VR) porn. This style of porn video allows the viewer to wear a VR headset and be immersed in the scene. They are able to view the sexual scene from different angles, which can give them the feeling of being present or participating in the scene. A study on the impacts of VR porn on sexual behaviour found that men had higher subjective sexual arousal from the VR porn than from regular, 2D porn (Elsey et al., 2019). Men also had a higher subjective arousal from VR porn than did women. This was likely because male arousal responses are driven much more strongly by the attractiveness of the actresses in scenes, which was likely enhanced in the VR porn (Elsey et al., 2019). In general, the study found no indications that VR porn has any worse impacts on viewers than regular porn. However, there is concern that VR porn may be especially troubling for those who are addicted to viewing porn, as it is an even more realistic and immersive viewing experience. It should also be noted that VR porn might be considered a form of infidelity, and conversations about what is and isn’t infidelity should always be had between any individuals in a sexual and/or romantic relationship.

Despite many of these concerns surrounding porn viewing, most studies have found inconclusive evidence about the real impacts of porn on its viewers. Although there is potential for adolescents to be significantly affected by porn consumption, there are ethical issues surrounding asking minors about their porn use. In addition, watching porn is so common in Western society, that there is no good control group for any experimental studies, which reduces the quality of any research done. Lastly, it is hard to tell whether porn viewing affects sexual behaviours or whether attitudes towards sex affect porn viewing and sexual behaviours, or if other variables come into play in this relationship. In general, people who watch it report that it simply enhances their arousal, gives them new ideas for what to try with their partners, and helps them explore their sexuality (Gorman, 2014). Though porn seems to be harmless to most, it seems to impact different people in different ways; it is possible that it can negatively affect people who are vulnerable . This means that porn isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s just good to be aware of what healthy porn use is to ensure that it doesn’t begin to negatively impact your life or relationships.

Silvi Raud, 4th Year BScH Biology, Queen's University

References

Daspe, M.-È., Vaillancourt-Morel, M.-P., Lussier, Y., Sabourin, S., & Ferron, A. (2018). When Pornography Use Feels Out of Control: The Moderation Effect of Relationship and Sexual Satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(4), 343–353. doi: 10.1080/0092623x.2017.1405301

Elsey, J. W., Andel, K. V., Kater, R. B., Reints, I. M., & Spiering, M. (2019). The impact of virtual reality versus 2D pornography on sexual arousal and presence. Computers in Human Behavior, 97, 35–43. doi: 10.1016/j.chb.2019.02.031

Flood, M. (2009). The harms of pornography exposure among children and young people. Child Abuse Review, 18(6), 384–400. doi: 10.1002/car.1092

Gorman, S. (2014). Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: Exploring Pornography’s Impact on Sexual Behaviors, Attitudes, and Relationships. ScholarWorks @ Georgia State University.

Lim, M. S. C., Carrotte, E. R., & Hellard, M. E. (2015). The impact of pornography on gender-based violence, sexual health and well-being: what do we know? Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, 70(1), 3–5. doi: 10.1136/jech-2015-205453

Morgan, E. M. (2011). Associations between Young Adults Use of Sexually Explicit Materials and Their Sexual Preferences, Behaviors, and Satisfaction. Journal of Sex Research, 48(6), 520–530. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2010.543960