What to Wear on Valentine’s Day…

Tweet For many, with the arrival of Valentine’s Day, love of all kinds is on the mind. And for a number of those people, something a little more exciting is on the mind as well…

Chocolate.

Oh, and also sex. (Though 64% of Brits admitted feeling more satisfied by a nice dessert than by sex on Valentine’s Day!)

And just in time for the holiday, I want to talk about something that can often be overlooked when people are a little too eager to get things going in the bedroom, especially on a day like today with such high ‘sexpectations’: condoms.

Love them or hate them, there is no doubt that condoms are one of the most effective forms of protection during sex, boasting an impressive 98% effectiveness rating when used properly (and 99.9% when combined with hormonal contraceptives!). Not only do they protect against pregnancy, but, unlike some other forms of birth control (i.e., hormonal), they also protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). They’re effective, accessible, and affordable forms of protection. And they’re used by about 50-60% of adults and 68% of adolescents in the Canada. Wait – what?

Despite the myriad of benefits of condom use, they have a startlingly low usage rate. Beyond that, only 41% of those who claim to use condoms use them all the time. But, before we get into that, let’s take a quick look back on how far the development of the condom has come.

The first documentation of condoms is thought to be from about 3000 BC, in Homer’s Iliad, which talked about placing the bladder of a goat into a woman’s vagina to protect against disease. Nice. From there, the Ancient Egyptians used linen sheets, and the Ancient Romans used linen sheets in combination with animal intestines or bladders. Certain tribes in New Guinea used plant-based sheaths, while Chinese civilizations used silk papers with oil lubrication. Prior to the 19^th century, animal-product condoms were all the rage (although you likely had to be a member of the upper class to get your hands on them).

Fast-forwarding to the 1920s, the invention of latex changed the condom game for good. The popularity of condoms skyrocketed in the 1980s during the devastating AIDS epidemic, when their use as both a contraceptive and a preventative measure against disease was more fully recognized. Today, latex condoms are highly durable and flexible, and can be lubricated, flavoured, ribbed, glow-in-the-dark – you name it. Yet despite these novelty advancements, the core structure of the condom – latex – has remained fundamentally uncontested since the 1920s. And no matter how ‘ultra-thin’ these condoms are advertised to be, many consumers still find that condom use is less pleasurable than condomless sex, and that using condoms ruins “the moment” in the bedroom.

Given the incredible rate of technological advancement in the world today, you’d think we’d be a little better at designing the condom, especially since failing to use condoms (and other forms of protection) can lead to sexually transmitted infections, other health risks, and unwanted pregnancies. So, in short – how far have we come in the development of a better condom? Unfortunately, not very.

And it’s not for lack of trying - believe it or not, we’ve had some of the biggest minds on the matter. In 2013, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation put out a call for a redesigned, ‘next-generation’ condom, boasting a cool $100 000 funding reward – with the potential for additional funding up to one million dollars. If that’s not enough to stimulate some great thinkers towards the cause, I’m not too sure what is.

The problem, as identified by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation (and, undoubtedly, users of condoms worldwide) is that, simply put, using a condom just doesn’t feel quite the same as not using a condom. Despite ease of access, a cheap price tag, and the peace of mind that comes with protected sex, people still forgo condom use for the immediate pleasure of unprotected sex. The Foundation identified the top 11 innovative condom designs, which included condoms made from bovine tendons, collagen, polymers, and polythylene, condoms that tighten around the penis during intercourse for a better fit, condoms with applicator handles, and condoms made from nanoparticles (you can find the full list here: http://theweek.com/articles/455793/meet-11-condoms-future-selected-by-bill-gates). However, despite a host of new ideas, apparently the path to condom redesign is a lengthy one. Over three years have passed since the final 11 condoms were announced, and we’re still waiting. Unfortunately, it seems that design is only the first step – the process of FDA approval, marketing, and distribution can take years, but the demand for a better condom exists today.

Fortunately, with the prevalence of crowdfunding sites such as Kickstarter and Indiegogo, other independent condom innovators can seek funding from the general public in their quest for a new and improved condom. In the past year, Indiegogo hosted funding for the LELO HEX, a product advertised as “the world’s first re-engineered condom” leading the way into a new age of ultra-safe yet ultra-pleasurable sex, raising over $427 000 towards production. While still made of latex, the HEX condom is created using a hexagonal web structure, which, according to parent company LELO, allows it to “flex and mold to the uniqueness of the wearer” and maximize strength, while remaining even thinner than most competing brands, such as Trojan’s “Bare Skin” condom. The internal hexagonal web in the HEX condom is raised to prevent slippage from any penis or toy it is placed on. Supporters of the Indiegogo campaign (including SexLab!) all received HEX condoms, and what better way is there to test whether they’re really worth our while other than to give them a try? For science, obviously.

So, let’s jump right into it.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting that much of a difference from the HEX condom. It’s still made of latex, and it’s not even the thinnest condom on the market (that honour goes to the Sagame 0.01). Yet overall, it was definitely pleasantly surprising. The marketing of the LELO HEX does not exaggerate. It’s easy to apply, doesn’t slide at all during sex, and feels almost completely non-existent (although not entirely – you still know that it’s there). It also felt completely safe – however, I might have been a little biased here, since I had read the background of the condom pretty thoroughly in advance.

It’s good, but is it good enough? I think that if I had to choose from a number of other brands of condoms, I would choose the HEX; it’s arguably one of the best condom experiences I’ve had so far. That being said, while it might become popular for condom users, I’m not sure it’s enough to encourage those who tend not to use condoms for whatever reason (“It just doesn’t feel the same!” “It ruins the moment!”) to start using them. It’s possible though, with some more marketing and exposure (and some rave reviews), that the HEX could help in making that leap. They may cost a little more, but the increased sensitivity and peace of mind that comes from using such a durable product is worth your while. In general, in terms of responsible, safe sex, the LELO HEX is a step in the right direction.

According to LELO, all the ‘talk’ about new, innovative condoms is good, but still just that – talk. By creating an innovative condom made from a pre-approved material (latex), LELO can get their product on the shelves and into the bedroom fast. Or, as they say it: “people need to be having great, safe sex today, not 10 years from now.” It may very well be worth the wait for a new condom design (let’s go, Bill Gates). However, there’s a lot of fun to be had before that time comes, and the LELO HEX condom provides a welcome improvement on other brands.

In the grand scheme of things, increasing condom distribution and making condoms more desirable and pleasurable to use can benefit more than just experimenting teens and college students or partners trying not to get pregnant. Worldwide, especially in countries stricken by diseases such as HIV/AIDS, condom use is undeniably life-saving. It’s comforting to know that there are intelligent developers and innovators working toward a new and improved condom, but until such a product is developed, put on the market, and gains some traction among the general population, we still have some ways to go. But at least we have condoms like the HEX to keep us company along the way.

For more information on the LELO HEX condom check out: https://www.lelo.com/hex-condoms-original

Anonymous

Mullin, G. (2016, February 11). Shock survey reveals how many couples will be having sex on Valentine’s Day. Mirror. Retrieved from: http://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/shock-survey-reveals-how-many-7350897

Weber, P. (2013, November 21). Meet the 11 condoms of the future selected by Bill Gates. The Week. Retrieved from: http://theweek.com/articles/455793/meet-11-condoms-future-selected-by-bill-gates

Taylor, J. (2015, November 18). 2 years later, here’s what happened to Bill Gates’ Condoms of the Future. Tech.Mic. Retrieved from: https://mic.com/articles/128850/bill-and-melinda-gates-foundation-condom-contest-where-are-they-now#.MwuVxyGSY

LELO. (2016). HEX Condoms. Retrieved from: https://www.lelo.com/hex-condoms-original

LELO. (2016). LELO HEX: The condom, re-engineered. Indiegogo. Retrived from: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/lelo-hex-the-world-s-first-re-engineered-condom-technology#/updates

Reece, M., Herbenick, D., Schick, V., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2010). Condom use rates in a national probability sample of males and females ages 14 to 94 in the United States. The Journal Of Sexual Medicine, 7(s5): 266-276. doi: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02017.x/full

Rotterman, M. & McKay, A. (2009). Condom use at last sexual intercourse among unmarried, not living common-law 20- to 34-year-old Canadian young adults. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(3): 75-87.

Khan, F., Mukhtar, S., Dickinson, I. K., & Sriprasad, S. (2013). The story of the condom. Indian Journal of Urology, 29(1): 12-15. doi: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3649591/

Manlove, J., Ikramullah, E., & Terry-Humen, E. (2008). Condom use and consistency among male adolescents in the United States. Journal of Adolescent Health, 43(4): 325-333. doi: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1054139X08001869

Sexual consent shouldn't be fifty shades of grey: If it’s not yes, it is no.

Tweet The issue of sexual consent has been prominent on campuses across North America over the past few years, with a shift in the surrounding culture from ‘no means no’ to an enthusiastic ‘yes means yes’. Many forms of media have also caught on—just think of the “tea consent” video and all of its offshoots.

I have lectured extensively on this topic, and I usually find myself either “preaching to the converted” or having really difficult conversations with young adults afterwards who realize that they may have been involved in potentially nonconsensual experiences (as instigators or victims). I fully support open discussions like these ones, and am hopeful that the culture around sexual consent will change. Each person that we reach through these discussions has the potential to educate others, intervene in a potentially to-be-devastating situations, and actively make different choices in the future.

Every time I think of the topic of sexual consent, and by extension—sexual violence, I am reminded that we are all touched by it in some way or another, whether we have experienced instances of sexual non-consent first hand and/or know someone who has been violated in some way. Sadly, either way, we don't have to look far to understand that this conversation about body/sexual boundaries is long overdue. In fact, only 1 in 3 Canadians fully understand what sexual consent is (link) so this blog is about the basics of sexual consent.

What is sexual consent? Sexual consent is positive, unambiguous, and voluntary agreement to engage in specific sexual activities throughout a single sexual encounter. Explicit communication about consent with respect to sexual activities is a huge part of the kink scene, and I think that those who partake in more “vanilla” activities can learn a thing or two about the quality and extent of sexual communication in the kink community.

So, by this definition, sexual consent refers to the fact that each person in a sexual encounter must agree to each specific activity throughout the encounter; this means that consenting to one activity (such as oral sex) does not in any way imply consent to other activities (such as vaginal or anal penetration). Each separate sexual act requires consent. It also means that any person involved in that activity can decide at any point that they no longer consent to that activity—and that activity will have to stop, no matter what. Yes, this means that consent can even be withdrawn once penetration (or kissing or oral sex, etc.) has occurred.

Sexual consent only holds for that specific activity/encounter. It does not last after the specific sexual activity or encounter has ended; so, even though you hooked up with Person X one night, there is no obligation (or “leftover” consent from your first hook up) to engage in any activity with Person X EVER again. No matter how much they beg, text, or plead (and please, to those of you who might be that Person X, don’t do that, it is annoying and is a form of sexual harassment after someone has asked you to stop—just accept the no and move on).

The main message about sexual consent is that it is an active, ongoing process that involves explicit verbal dialogue; silence does not imply consent, and physical resistance is not required to “really mean no.” The only way to be sure is to ask the person/people you are with—and although you might think that asking will “ruin the moment”, think again. A charge of sexual assault, the massive damage done to another person/other people, the huge fallout to your reputation and social standing, the harmful changes in the way you might think of yourself—all of that is certainly worth a “check-in” to be sure.

But research shows that most of the time, sexual consent is implied by non-verbal, enthusiastic, active engagement in the sexual activity. And certainly, most of the time, this assumption of sexual consent is not questioned. But, the best way to make sure is to ask—not assume. And most definitely, explicitly obtained, verbal sexual consent should be sought out when the behavior of the person/people we are with changes in some way. Do they seem distant? Hesitant? Disengaged? Non-responsive? Are they staring off into space? Do they seem less enthusiastic? Are they half-heartedly agreeing with the activity while not even looking you in the eye? Best to stop. Worst case scenario: genital congestion, feelings of rejection, concern… but that is really not so bad, is it, when the consequences can be dire for all involved if the activity continues without consent.

If sexual activity is “meant to be”, it can just be delayed to another day when all parties are into it with their bodies and souls. What’s the point of engaging sexually, but one-sidedly, with someone/others? Doesn’t part of the wonderful experience of being with someone/others sexually for you rest on the other person’s/people’s enjoyment/arousal? If not, shouldn’t it?

Another point to bring the importance of explicit verbal communication home is the fact that many people are not great at reading—or even noticing—other people’s body language. Body language is a huge part of all communication. So when that person you are with puts their hand on your thigh during an intense make-out session, it would be great to assume that this gesture means “yes, I want more”. We might want it to mean that, since we want to continue. We might want for it to mean that so badly that we do continue. And maybe, it does mean that. And most of the time, it might mean that. But, what if, in the off chance, it means “I’m getting uncomfortable and trying to pull away”? You won’t know unless you ask. So, you’d better ask. And you’d better respect the answer because the answer needs to be given of free will, which means that you cannot coerce, force, convince, pester, beg, plead, etc. someone into changing their mind.

An enormous issue related to sexual consent is the use of alcohol and other substances that can affect decision-making. Are the people involved in sexual activity actually capable of giving consent? Are they so drunk or high that they can’t even walk in a straight line or form a coherent sentence? Are they singing to a beer bottle on the dance floor? Are they dancing alone in the corner, oblivious to their surroundings? People, this situation does not lend itself to “opportunity”; in fact, you should be more protective of this person whose judgment is rendered moot. They are not capable of making any mindful decisions at this point (they may not even notice that the person they are with is not using any form of STI protection/form of contraception), so sharing their body should likely be off limits until they can—with a clear mind and informed awareness of the pros and cons of getting involved with someone—consciously, passionately, and fully consent.

It’s great that this conversation is being had. But I think we need to do more, especially given the fact that the majority of Canadian provinces do not standardize when sexual consent is taught to students within the sex ed curriculum (ranges from Grade 2 to Grade 10 – link). I think that people who are around kids can have age-appropriate conversations about being aware of, and communicating about, their own body boundaries to others. In families with young kids, this conversation can start with talks about personal space, and how to respect it. So, stop when your (or other people’s) kids ask you to stop tickling them. Don’t force kids to hug or kiss anyone they don't want to; they can opt for a wave, a verbal hello/goodbye, they can even blow a kiss, or whatever. Don’t make a big deal out of them resisting being touched by others; you can, if you feel that you have to, tell the other person that they are just not ok with that right now. It ia also worth making it clear to kids, when they are playing with others and someone asks for something to stop, that they need to stop right away—no matter how much they are enjoying the activity. And feel free to tell them when you are uncomfortable with their actions (especially when they are waving things right in your face and threatening your eyeballs!).

The new sex ed curriculum in Ontario is a good start in terms of opening up this discussion. But we have a long way to go: still today, we are bombarded with stories of people who sexually violate others when they are not sober; we have to listen to people in potential positions of power bragging about “grabbing” body parts of others without asking; we hear about people who engage in sexual violence and who are excused/not investigated or convicted/made into a hero/justified for what they did, while the survivors are blamed, ridiculed, and shamed (and worse) for something that was not in their power to control. Raising awareness is one part of this shift, and I hope to see many more shifts happening at all levels of society.

Link of interest: Ontario PSA #ItsNeverOkay - https://www.ontario.ca/page/lets-stop-sexual-harassment-and-violence

Caroline Pukall, Ph.D., C.Psych.